At times, children are pulled into the middle of their parents’ divorce and are pressured to choose between parents. This is never advisable – always wisest to give children, including adult children of divorce, a voice not a choice. When too much adult information is shared with children, they may feel pulled to align with a favored parent over and against the other, damaging the child’s relationship with the devalued, alienated parent. In some cases, the rejected parent has been devalued throughout the child’s life.
Often co-parenting skills training can help, if both parents are able to put their child’s wellbeing and healthy development at the forefront of their focus and concerns.
In some high-conflict divorces, parents are not able to come together for co-parenting work and the court will order reintegration (conjoint) therapy. It is essential that the conjoint therapist be skilled and trained in assessing and treating Resist-Refuse Dynamics (RRDs occur when children refuse contact with one parent). Under certain circumstances, reintegration work can be effective if the child (or adolescent) receives separate, individual therapy with a therapist also trained/experienced in high conflict divorce – a therapist able to maintain a clearly neutral stance towards both parents, and who can collaborate effectively with the reintegration and/or co-parenting therapist. The children’s individual therapist needs to be a neutral, safe place for the child, unencumbered by the parent’s divorce-related disputes, while also being experienced in high conflict divorce and RRDs. When children are barred from contact for more than 3 months with a rejected parent, the prognosis for effective reintegration is significantly decreased.
At times, I will require that the child and parent each have their own reintegration therapist, or I will serve as “The Reintegration Therapist” and have the individual reintegration therapist for the child present as a support for the child. This is the case when children have been so “poisoned” against the devalued parent that they do not feel safe in that parent’s presence.
I will refer to special reintegration immersion programs, such as Family Bridges, when it is clear that reintegation progress is impossible due to the child’s ongoing exposure to the favored parent’s unrelenting bias against the devalued parent. The situation in such circumstances is akin to expecting a child – raised in an Arian Nations household, with extended family upholding the same views – to accept and embrace a person of a different ethnicity in just 1-2 hours of therapy per week. Consequently, more intense measures are required.